May the peace, mercy and blessing of Allah be upon you.

I am a married woman and I live with my mother-in-law — may Allah preserve her — but I am finding difficulty raising my children with her around, especially because, for instance, she is used to using the bathroom without closing the door, so my children go in after her. I want to teach them to be modest, but no matter how careful I am that no one sees them naked and they don't see anyone naked… In addition, there is the television that never gets turned off as long as she is in the apartment, except rarely. Of course, everyone knows what is shown on the screen in these TV shows. And then there's the music…

Now I'm confused about my situation. I've done everything I can. I treat her in the way that is pleasing to Allah (Mighty & Majestic) and then to my husband, but sometimes, she wants the children to be with her. Of course, I have no objection, but the problem is that she lets them do whatever they want to. She doesn't comply if I ask her to close the bathroom door or if I tell them to. Of course, whenever I say something to her, she tells me, "I may not be educated, but I raised [my kids] and nobody knows how to raise [kids] like me. So, show me what you're going to do, eh? What are your kids going to be like?" 

Of course, everybody knows that a wife knows her husband's shortcomings better than anybody else after living together, and I do see some flaws in the way that was used in raising my husband on the part of his mother, and likewise from my own parents — may Allah preserve my mother and have great mercy on my father — towards me, but without a doubt that was due to ignorance and good intentions — may Allah reward them well — and I want to avoid these things with my children, by Allah's leave. The problem is that she's made an issue of it and said, "I'm not going to stay here with you all. I'm leaving." We tried to please her, "Okay, what is it? What happened?" She says, "Nothing, but I'm not going to stay here anymore." Of course, in the middle of everything, when she was crying, she said, "Raise them as you like!" But then she turned around and said, "Nobody can and nobody ever will know how to raise kids as well as I do!" Even though that day, in particular, nothing happened at all! Anyway, my husband came the next day and told me, "Back off a bit and let the kids stay downstairs for a while until she calms down." 

Of course she thinks she isn't doing anything to bother us and that we aren't being appreciative. No doubt, there are things that do bother me, but she's my husband's mother. If the earth wouldn't carry her, I would carry her on my head. Our differences of opinion haven't destroyed my feelings for her, even though I feel sometimes that I have a very heavy load to bear and that I'm stressed out emotionally, but I can still bear it, and may Allah, our Lord, help me to raise my children in a way which is pleasing to Him (may He be Exalted). At the same time, I would never accept that she live alone, even though she did leave before, claiming that I can't put up with her living with us. Of course, the first time that happened, it caused a problem between me and my husband at the time, and he said things to me that… I never dreamt he could be so harsh with me, to that extent. I almost fainted that day! Yet despite all that, I made up with her and kissed her head, but you should note that in those days, I was exhausted and I didn't know I was pregnant. So many times I would say, "I don't feel well," but they would tell me —"You just want to sleep" [accusing her of being lazy] — and I would sit there, not saying anything, because at the time my blood pressure was low, and, really, I wasn't able to contribute anything to the conversation, in addition to the fact that I don't go to bed before my husband out of respect for him and so that it wouldn't look like I was telling her to leave.

The question is that, today, I don't know what to do. If I leave my son, it'll be like I build him up and he gets torn down with her. I wish it would only be an hour, or every once in a while. This is going to be every day! I don't know the limits of how much to give in when dealing with my mother-in-law and the things I won't give in on in raising my children. By Allah's leave, I'm going to do what pleases Allah. I'm not afraid of anyone who would blame me for what I do for the sake of Allah. Please give me a word of advice, and you will be rewarded, by Allah's leave.

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Grantor of Mercy

All praise belongs to Allah, and may prayers and peace be upon Allah’s final Messenger.

My advice to you is to fear Allah (Mighty & Majestic) and to remember the Saying of the Most High (in meaning),

{Whoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to him, He will make him a way out (from every difficulty).} [Al-Talaq 65:2]

Stand in prayer at night, ask Allah for forgiveness, especially in the early hours before dawn, and make du`a (supplication), especially in sujood (prostration) and in the last third of the night, and upon breaking the fast, and send many salutations upon the best of all people, the Prophet Muhammad (may Allah bless him and grant him peace).

Be patient with these difficult matters for the sake of Allah Most High, and with the help of Allah (Mighty & Majestic). Be gentle with your husband's mother and win her over by praying for her and giving her presents, according to the saying of the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace), 

"Exchange gifts and you will love one another." 

Select the kindest expressions and be gentle and soft in speech with her on the matter of raising the children. Also, let most discussions and conversations go through your husband, for he is her son and she may accept from him what she would not accept from you. Explain to him your weak position in that regard, and warn him of Allah Most High—that he will be asked about you and his children and how they were raised. Know thereafter, after doing everything within your power and showing your need and weakness to your Omnipotent Lord, that Allah is al-Hady — the One Who guides to the Straight Path — and that He is the Most Merciful of all who show mercy, so whatever you are unable to do, He will not account you for. Trust in the Mercy of Allah (Mighty & Majestic) that He will show you a way out of your situation and that He will make your affair easy. Remember the sons of Ya`qoob (Jacob, peace be upon him) and the son of Nooh (Noah, peace be upon him). When all other doors are closed, the door of heaven is open to all who knock.

And Allah the Exalted knows best.

Related fatawa: 78399, 83902